1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.