@JoePetroske: 1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
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@ibid78: *angrily whispering over crib* "Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward." "But why do they need their own cribs?"
@JohnLyonTweets: [hell] Me: Why am I here? Devil: You told people you'd say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times. Me: OK that's fair.
@SteveSuckington: [Shopping with teen son] *sees hot girl* *waits until she gets close* *grabs box of adult diapers* "How are you doing on Depends bud?"
@MadamBetteNoire: Has anyone seen my jacket? It's white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.