1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
You Might Also Like
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Help Wanted
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.