Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.