[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.