You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’m already scared
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
This why you should mind your business
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.