1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
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Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Yoga Matt
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.