Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
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While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
choose your gary
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally