Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
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Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death