Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime