People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
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I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.