SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
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The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”