Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
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My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
This made me smile…
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*