SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!