Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone