Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
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Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
sigh