1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
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My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
spicy snake
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious