1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
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[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
What personal space?
My dog
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
The best plant holders?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING