1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
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When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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