Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.