God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
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ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.