1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
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me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
adam and eve had first world problems
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Well, that didn’t work.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds