Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.