1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
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Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.