1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
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Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress