My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
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Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?