1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.