I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
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Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!