1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
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If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0