I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
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3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”