hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!