Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.