1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
“what that mouth do?” complain
cry laughing at this shit
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
S O O N
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.