1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
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Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
my sentiments exactly
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
October already? What’s next? November????
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.