[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
You Might Also Like
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
an airline just for babies.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.