1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
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People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
The opposite of goth is stopth.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor