1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
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When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Print is alive and well!!!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you