blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
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I think the cat got the dog high.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Sharks apparently don鈥檛 like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn鈥檛 even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you鈥檙e dying as the ocean鈥檚 bread heel
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I feel this so hard
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
This will never not be funny 馃槶
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I鈥檓 mad at you.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible