I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
man i love columbo