1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
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Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?