Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.