1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
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If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Yes, this is exactly right
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
“you changed” bro i was 15
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.