1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
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If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !