1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
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going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold