1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
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“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u