1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
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My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Great acting.. 😂
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Ion see the issue
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”