1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
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Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Ironic
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.