1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
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Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.