1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free