1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
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Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.