1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
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I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.