What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
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I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
car not found
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
lmao
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know